This new year entered with laughter and tears. The day before New Year's Eve, my mom and i drove up to Minnesota to visit my brother and his family and to pick up Gabrielle when she was done with her architecture convention. On New Year's Eve, my brother, Rob, my sisterinlaw, Ann, my nieces, Emma & Katrina, my Mom and I ate dinner of fondue after the nephews, Blake and Carlos, left for the youth group all nighter. The tradition began during a time of vegetarianism in the Mayes household, so we pierced helpless, raw broccoli and cauliflower pieces and plunged them into the fry Daddy filled with olive oil until they turned brown around the edges. I then would dip them into the cheese fondue pot and even the chocolate pot. there was a lot of desegregating with the fondue pots of oil, cheese and chocolate. Originally the veggies were intended for the oil, bread for the cheese, and oranges and bananas for the chocolate. But we fried bread, dipped veggies in chocolate, and tried everything with cheese. it was a good time, even for the purists (cowards).
The girls played hide and go seek, in the dark, with the seeker wearing light flashing rings that Katrina got for Christmas.What a hoot! It was actually suspenseful tip toeing around in the dark, hiding in corners and under covers. Mom stayed hidden the longest under the table, about 5 feet from where the seeker was counting. She was the last to be found, and when i saw her, i was hoping she had intended to be lying under the table. When she began laughing, i assumed all was for the best even when it took her a while to stand up after being still for so long on the hard wood floor. I laughed so had my side ached. We had a fun night.
After a several rounds of chicken foot dominoes, and toasting the new year with sparkling ligonberry juice (only in a land filled with Scandinavian descents), we went to bed. Mom and i were sharing the girls room and began reflecting over the year. She asked me if i could recall what i did last year. I thought i had spent it with David, to whom i was engaged last year and a had a very sad breakup but i couldn't remember the details. with a few prompts from mom, she has such an excellent memory, I recalled a day spent moving David, remembering how well we worked together. That night of bringing in the new year with friends that have twins toddlers and how much we played and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. I realized it was in Minnesota last year at Christmas, being away from David, a friend of a few months that i fell in love with him, that i decided i loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. Too serious , too fast. probably, but emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams seem to rush along after i had tried to keep them tucked away for so long so i could focus on rearing Gabrielle. Since she was a senior and eighteen, the timing seemed so right.
David and i had so many hopes and dreams and promises that washed away with a terrible storm. I can't say that my love for him and all hope washed away with such finality from him. How can one turn off love, even if promises were broken. Even with bad behavior on both our parts. It doesnt matter to me to be more right if im alone.
I struggle to know what to do in this empty nest of this single mother. It seems to be some kinda crossroads, new year, new decade, new relational status,new role of mothering a college student. I desire health and healing and wholeness. Not sadness or busyness. But full life living. I have several ideas,but for now im focusing on the next 40 days of praying intentionally for healing from this breakup for myself and for David, that God will somehow be glorified after a selfish, silly fight and all the drama that came after. We are such fallen creatures, yet we were meant for more. So i seek it now through prayer and fasting meats and sweets, for the most part, vegan.
My not so original idea is to spend the year cooking through a cookbook, the American Vegetarian Cookbook from the Fit for Life Kitchen by Marilyn Diamond. With hopes of health and discipline and the adventure of cooking with different flavors from around the world. Marilyn uses many different spices and techniques i think i can become a better me for having experienced. Plus i do have hopes for better health and less jiggle in the middle. The book is about 2" thick, not sure how many recipes, around 300, and is vegan and i am a bacon lover. The other goal is to spend only $25 a week when im the only one home and $50 when Gabrielle is home.
This all seems some how connected, hide and go seek, melancholy over a lost love, the hope of a future for this empty nester/single gal, the search for greater intimacy with the Creator through prayer and fasting, and better health through better cooking and therefore better eating while staying in budget. I guess it is all connected because it is all me. Here;s to a a better year and a better me!
Today is the day to stop postponing writing a post. I need a creative project to stimulate the creative juices and i need to blog to keep the accountability to do it. Besides, talking about it helps inspire me to do a difficult and/or mundane. No simple intrinsic motivation here. not a very Montessori thought, but true.
